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Holy shit. Gravity is amazing. I’m not even joking dude, do yourself a favor and get your ass to the nearest IMAX. I don’t usually like 3D movies, hell, I actively avoid them… but this movie is heavy on spectacle and the 3D (and drugs) really makes you feel like you’re floating in space with these poor helpless asstronauts. The story is thin but fuck, who needs story when you’re trying to survive the unsurvivable? This movie very well could be the most convincing fiction film ever. When I think about it, I’m like, “no fuckin’ way” but in the moment I was lost. I was lost in space. This is my new pick for movie of the year. It’s unlike anything I’ve ever seen. Very original. Very suspenseful. Pure adrenaline.

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SEE IT? GET YOUR ASS TO THE IMAX AND WATCH THIS SHIT

Mud is a movie about how women are the most evil creatures on earth. They slither through the world and they fuck you up. There’s also like two kids, Matthew McConnelly (or however you spell it) in full on hobo mode, and a whole lot of ho hum for long stretches of time. The movie isn’t bad… it’s entertaining. The message is dubious and the drama is that of the trailer trash variety, but still, its one of those old school homespun stories that you don’t see much of these days. Coulda been better, coulda been worse.

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SEE IT? I already forgot everything about this movie.

Man of Steel was fucking awesome. I don’t care what the critics say. They’re wrong on this one. Critics: The graphics were aight but, hey dude, Superman doesn’t fall in love, and it’s the same old story, and it’s not funny blah-blah-bleh… how ‘bout this. You know what did happen in Man of Steel? Spoiler Alert: Superman kicks ass. What the fuck else do you want him to do. I don’t want him to fall in love. He’s a fucking alien. Lois Lane is a bitch. That’s why she’s a super awesome reporter. Why does there need to be a goddamn romance? Oh, and the same old story? Guess what, they had to reboot it after that cock shit Superman Returns came out. They didn’t have a choice. Also… why does Superman have to be funny? He’s an alien. Aliens aren’t funny (unless they’re Mac and Me). Point is: if you want to see Superman kick ass like he should, go and enjoy this movie

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SEE IT? Yes. Unless you’re a hippie. Fuck you hippies.

Good PG-13 horror flicks are few and far between, and I am pleased to say that “Sinister” is one of them. It’s a tight little package that packs a punch, and there’s not much to really rag on, except for the wife. Holy balls that bitch is the most bi-polar British chick I’ve ever witnessed. Maybe it’s just the screenplay or the obvious accent that did it, but I would not want to be married to that ball and chain Goddamn! Overall, there are some good jump scares, creepiness, and disturbing images, and the story is solid. I would have liked to have seen an R rated cut of this one… it does seem like the teeth were taken out; but it doesn’t hurt the film really. If you’re looking for a good scary movie that won’t make you want to vomit, Sinister works just fine.

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SEE IT? If you don’t, Mr. Boogie’s gonna get ya.

Zero Dark Boring is a movie about an angry ginger bitch who single-handily hunts down Osama Bin Hiding aaaaaaaand that’s pretty much it… yeah. More and more this film seems like it’s just the latest in a long line of over-hyped “current event” movies that answer the question “Too soon?” with a resounding, “Don’t matter. I’m takin’ your $15 bitch! SUCK IT”. Seriously, I don’t see what the deal is about this flick. The acting sucks, the plot is needlessly complicated, and I never once cared about Firecrotch or her friends. There is no character development, I did not learn anything I didn’t already know (did you know that they blew like ten holes in Osama Bin Lit Up?) , and it took three fuckin’ hours until the real shit went down. Yawnsville. What’s the fuckin’ point man? Are we supposed to believe any of it? It doesn’t seem real at all and if it was, all I learned is that if you piss off America we will torture your friends and murder you in the night. Not that I didn’t love watching the minute and a half of deep-fried American justice, it’s just that $15 wasn’t worth sitting through the years of exposition to get me to that one scene.

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SEE IT? Only if you feel you must. You have been warned.

Taken 2: Don’t Go to Europe is a cautionary tale about how dangerous it is to be related to Liam Neeson and the perils of parallel parking in Los Angeles. It is also a fucking stupid and horribly worthless piece of shit that makes no fuckin’ sense and was only created to coax you into parting ways with $15. The story could have been (and probably was) written by a 5 year old, the action is shot so tight that you almost forget (but can’t) that Liam Neeson is like fuckin’ 60 years old these days, and the quasi-incestual undertones makes you wonder what this God-forsaken movie is actually about… but hey, wanna watch this movie? SPOILER ALERT! Someone gets tooken, Liam Neeson kills people but the violence is neutered to get that goddamn PG-13 rating so even the “violence” is shit, and, it’s French, so… of course it’s gonna suck. Were you really that surprised? I wasn’t.

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SEE IT? Avoid this one like the plague.

Dredd (I didn’t see it in) 3D is a one-note-shoot ‘em up gore-fest that, for fans of the character, shouldn’t be missed. If you’ve seen The Raid: Redemption, you already know the story, and if you’ve seen the original Judge Dredd you have the context. This time around, Dredd is more like the comics (he never takes his helmet off this time) and much more brutal, making for a better overall Judge Dredd experience. I like how the movie attempts to recreate the feel of a comic strip, and for the most part this gimmick works. Granted, the bad guy (girl) is atrociously dull, some of the set pieces look like the set of Dick Tracy, and the slo-mo drug vignettes only exist to cater to the 3D, but the movie overall is worth it if you’re into pseudo-80’s mass-massacre exploitation flicks.

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SEE IT? It’s all bullets and no brains, but it’s fun :)

Being a self-professed sci-fi junkie, when I heard about TimeCrimes I just had to check it out. TimeCrimes is one of those flicks that is fun as fuck to watch but kind of falls apart when you think about it. In fact, when you think really hard, the narrative makes absolutely no practical sense, but it works because of how the plot is set up. Since the film deals heavily with time travel and paradox it is easy to waive logic for good storytelling and that is what this film does best. This is the best time travel movie since Primer, and although Primer kind of takes the cake when it comes to the genre (in my unprofessional opinion of course), TimeCrimes dares to stray from the norm to offer a unique twist on an age-old fable.

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SEE IT? Sci-fi junkies and foreign film lovers unite! This is a good one to put on the queue. And there’s titties too!